Heterosexual Smoking
by hiyoris-scarf
Summary: Noragami meets "My Immortal" meets the terrible, godforsaken catastrophe of a film that was Soul Hunter. A crack fic.


**So, for those of you who are confused, this is a 100% crack AU based on the Chinese movie "Soul Hunter," a 2016 film that blatantly, shamelessly, and hilariously plagiarized Noragami in nearly every way while utilizing the most pants-shittingly terrible SFX to do so. Sadly, the character Yukine was cut from the film's final edit, leaving a bizarre Hiyori/Yukine amalgamation to be Not-Yato's new shinki.**

 **The title of this fic was originally "Nora-Sue-Me-For-Theft-Of-Intellectual-Property," but it was changed to reflect the part of the fic that garnered, by far, the most readerly approval.**

 **Without further ado-and if you haven't been frightened off already-enjoy the entire disaster below.**

* * *

Hi my name is Yano and I have perfect ebony hair that looks majestic in the wind and icy blue eyes like ice and a lot of people tell me I look like Tsukuyomi (if you don't know who he is get da hell out of here!) I'm a god (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Takamagahara and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black leather jacket, new Timberlands, a big black earring, and an entire bottle of hairspray. I was walking into this parking garage looking for ayakashi. A lot of people didn't look at me (they can't see gods), so they didn't see how cool I looked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Then there was an ayakashi! He wanted to kill me, but I twirled my knife a lot (my knife is also a girl in a tight dress. Tight dresses make it easier to become a knife) and the ayakashi went away.

It's hard to physically intimidate a monster when that monster is sometimes also a strong wind, but that's just how good I am. That's me, the god Yatwo.

* * *

I visited my friend then, on account of me accidentally fumigating the house where I was staying with rotten microwaved fruit.

"Go away," said my friend, who tried to slam the door at me. His name is Daiko-Who-Fucked-Up-The-Economy-Probably-Me.

"I'll go away if you pay me," I said.

I smiled flirtily and he let me in. I'm Not Attracted to him.

* * *

Later on, I saw a cat that I wanted to catch. The cat was in the road, and when he saw me he started running. I ran after him because I'm faster than some dumb cat.

Oh no! A car.

But before it could hit me I was pushed by something. I turned around and saw a dead girl—which is not really super shocking for me—but still. She definitely wasn't there when I started crossing the road. The guy who hit her got back into his car and left.

Then I saw her spirit had fallen out. I could see through her, so I knew it was her spirit. Also her body was still lying dead in the road, so that settled it.

"Come here often?" I asked, and looked sexy. It was an even funnier joke because she was kind of dead—but she didn't think it was funny. I don't think she listened to me.

"What the hell, this isn't the fucking afterlife!" she said, and fainted.

Later she woke up in the hospital and I was there, because I can be anywhere I want. To prove how godly I was to her, I ate a banana and no one from the hospital yelled at me.

I found out her name was Hiyari. Later we had to fight a weightless mummy, so I made her my new shinki (my last shinki Tomato quit on me) and she became a sword.

* * *

After Heya-rye became my shinki I looked up at the building and Bitchamon was staring at us.

Bitchmon is a badass, but she also doesn't have an earring, which means she's not as cool as me. Because I was even cooler than before and had a new sword I decided I could take her on. She got out a sword that was bigger than mine (which doesn't mean anything at all, trust me) but I still beat her. She was also starting to literally die. But she really lost the fight because I was cooler than her. Way-to-the-hell cooler.

She yelled for a while and I just stared back at her. If you don't already know, the battle is always decided by who has the coolest and best stare, and that's always me, Yatno. Also by who has the best clothes, which was also me. coin had a coat that looked like dead puppies, but it was probably fake. My jacket is made from a real dead cow. So it's obvious why I won.

Anyway I was pretty injured by then even though I beat Brioche Ramen, so I had to lie down in the road. Hiyroi did too, which was pretty nice of her. She could have maybe helped me to not die right there in the middle of the road, but it showed her loyalty to me.

* * *

Somehow I got back to my friend who I am Not Deeply Attracted To, and he asked me what happened to my face.

"I don't know," I said, while clutching his thigh. We then shared a heterosexual smoke on the roof.

I lied. I knew where those cuts came from. They weren't from the fight I just had. That cat had come out of nowhere and scratched me like hell. I was hoping the mummy had eaten it but cats are immortal, apparently.

 _ **/ DRAMATIC TIMESKIP /**_

As a god, I do not let anyone get away with bad fashion or genocide, so I stormed Beeshaming's mansion while wearing my brand-new Battle Sneakers of Revenge. We had a sonic sword fight while gently floating 50 feet in the air.

She said: "How dare you, after you killed all my shinki?"

I said: "You probably killed them on accident by raising your eyebrows too dramatically. I bet you're awful at poker."

Hyoid (who had been kidnapped) showed up right then. And after that Kugaha ran out of the mansion in a very tight and revealing dress, with lipstick all over his face, screaming, "Why won't you love me?!" And after that everything got a little complicated.

* * *

And by complicated I mean fucking spectacular.

First of all, I was totally not kidding about looking sexy and being great at flirting, because my new (now double-sword) girlfriend kissed me. She cried over my dead body too, which was pretty smooth.

That brought me back to life after Kuga-The-Lipstick-Monster made my insides become my outsides. So then I was alive again, and extra-super-mega-powerful—so powerful my hair changed colors—and then destroyed all my enemies.

I celebrated with a sick rap number, which is what gods as cool as me do after all our victories.


End file.
